I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
