Barsexuality is the new black.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
