I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
