The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
