Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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