bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
