my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
