We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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