i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
