The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
