there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
tequila makes me forget i have legs
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
