This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
