Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
