I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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