i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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