She is in my trunk
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
