I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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