Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
