My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
