I'm so fucking centered right now
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
