all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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