Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
