"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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