He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
