Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
