Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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