Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
