I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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