You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
