We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
