No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
