Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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