just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
