i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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