After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Boobs are out for the taking
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
