In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
