if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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