so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
