I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
