just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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