you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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