I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
