i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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