If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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