I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
