i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
