I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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