so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there's paper in my vomit.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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