she woke up with a sticky ear
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
