Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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