dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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