I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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