i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
