they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
