dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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