I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
