I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
