my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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