I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
