the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
