omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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