I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
