Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
