woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
